New Beverage Eliminates the Joy of Sleep and Other Pleasantries

Josh Sellers, Co-editor



Sleep is a marvelous activity. The experience can be almost magical at times. While it seems impossible that anyone would want to avoid sleep, a man named Muhammad ben Said, who lives on the african coast, has created a product that allows one to do just that.

The product is a beverage created from a dark brown bean. Its taste is bitter and reminiscent of death. Through some strange process (likely witchcraft) the liquid diminishes any desire to sleep.

“No witchcraft here,” ben Said said. “The drug in the beans simply stimulates your brain and allows you to remain productive despite the absence of the sun.”

In addition to destroying the joy of sleep, the drink also elicits frequent visits to the restroom that have the potential to make visits with friends or family less pleasant than one would expect. Why anyone would subject himself or herself to such horror is beyond my cognition, but ben Said says it’s insignificant.

The beans are brown and have a warm smell. Muhammed says the bean is perfectly natural and provides a pleasant burst of energy.

“It’s only a minor inconvenience, really. You are exaggerating the side effects quite significantly,” he said.

The taste of the beverage is also something that should be addressed. Upon tasting it, one wonders why anyone would consider paying hard earned money for the gunk.

“With the addition of some milk or sugar, the taste can be really quite pleasant, especially on a cold night,” he said.

Ben Said hopes that eventually he will be able to mass produce his coffee in towns and cities, perhaps by opening a hut dedicated to the sell and production of coffee.

“I have contemplated this idea while hunting Caribou in the wilderness and drinking coffee to stay alert during early morning migrations. I have even tried to think of a name while under the stars looking for bucks, but as of yet, a name for the dwelling alludes me,” he said.

Many of the ben Said’s friends say that they enjoy his coffee and it improves t. However, I am suspicious that they are only advocating for him because of their close relationship. Based on this and the other evidence I have collected, I conclude that this product is terrible and I would not recommend it to even the worst of people.