Delirious Frenchman Creates Death Machine

December 3, 2017

Wheels have long been viewed as one of mankind’s greatest inventions. They have managed to be a great facilitator of the efficient transport of cargo, animals, and people. But now, sir François Isaac de Rivaz has turned them against us all.

In 1807, I caught wind of the frenchman’s creation of an internal combustion engine powered by hydrogen and oxygen, a wonderful fuel source. However, any hope that this device would benefit mankind vanished a year later when I heard of his plans for the engine.

An internal combustion engine. Its complex design is evident through its appearance, as is its potential for malicious use. {{PD-1996}}

Rivaz planned to use his device to power what I have decided to call a death chariot. The chariot’s purpose, according to Rivaz, is to allow people to travel much faster than they could on foot, and possibly even faster than on horseback.

The death chariot bears a resemblance to a horse-drawn carriage, except that it is longer (to account for the engine) and has four wheels instead of the typical two.

There is no telling what sort of maneuverability this vehicle could have. While conducting a vehicle at such high speeds, it would be very difficult for one to maintain control. A simple slip of the hand could lead to the death of not only the driver, but any unfortunate soul who finds himself in the path of the mindless machine of death. Despite the risks I have brought into light, Rivaz defended his creation.

“It is unlikely that it will even surpass the speed of a trotting horse. The ‘risks’ you say you have discovered are ridiculously out of proportion,” Rivaz said.

Having met many deranged inventors and knowing their tendency to deny their shortcomings, I concluded there was no better way to find out the truth of the death chariot than to test it myself.

Upon entering the vehicle, I found myself at a loss of where to begin. On the floor are two pedals, and pressing upon them appears to do nothing. When I asked Rivaz, who was then bound in ropes due to his lack of willingness to let me test his invention, how I might make the vehicle function, he declined to tell me,

citing a fear that I would damage his death chariot. However, as I am not a fool, I was aware that he was simply attempting to hide the dangers posed by his invention.

While Rivaz’s hydrogen-powered combustion engine is undeniably brilliant, his intended use for the device puts human lives at risk. Fortunately, I made the decision of a hero and neglected to remove Rivaz from his chains. May François Isaac de Rivaz and his death machine never be heard from again.